Hopes and fears
by writingforfun18
Summary: All Hailey and Will's hopes and fears are centered around Jay now. Missing scenes from start of 7x10. (added Will's POV now)
1. Chapter 1

A little bit of filling the gaps at the very end of 7x09 and the start of 7x10 (I may do Will's perspective too cause I find myself wondering a lot what happened)

* * *

If she'd had to, Hailey would've crawled through mud, the sharpest of barbed wire and suffered a hundred and one electric shocks to get into the building. To get to Jay.

As it happened, she didn't need to, she knows he's here in this building, can feel him, closer and closer until she finds him.

His face and sweater coated in blood. Looking at her through one open eye. The other shut from the beating he's clearly taken. Alive though and she thinks right now she's never been more grateful.

Hailey tells herself that the way she feels is normal as she reaches out to him, as she touches his back her intention first and foremost is the hope that he feels some comfort from it except there's no sign of relief in him and he doesn't answer her when she asks if he's okay.

Second of all, she realizes it's as much to convince herself that it's really him, that he's not going to disappear in a cloud of smoke, that she won't wake up from this dream that's filled with such relief and that they'll still be looking for him.

All her hopes even at rest chased down by so many fears. Central to them right now, Jay Halstead. And all these feelings, they're so normal and she'd feel the same about anyone in Intelligence, she would.

These feelings that run alongside every other feeling she's had from the moment she'd followed Jay to where he'd been with Bobby and the second he'd walked from the crime scene, icy tendrils of fear and apprehension running through her veins. They should be easing now, right?

They're not.

Jay tells her to stay put and she wants to stop him, keep from going down the stairs or failing that she wants to go with him, not let him out of her sight again but even in his beaten and probable concussed state he's right, someone has to stay with the offender and Angela needs help. Jay wouldn't go down there if there was a risk, right?

There are maybe twenty seconds if that of crouching next to the offender at first as she called for ambulances, of standing up as she hears the footfall of her colleagues, of starting to explain where Jay was as she stood up and turned away from the offender to walk toward the stairs.

Then she hears the bang, they all do. There's no moment of questioning if they misheard, they all know.

It feels like a punch to her stomach, it steals her breath but still, she moves.

"Jay!" she shouts as she takes two steps at a time, hell she would have jumped down them all to get to the bottom and adrenaline would've meant it would've all been okay.

If only she could say the same for Jay and as she steps through the doorway, she sees him on the floor.

She spares a momentary glance toward Angela, sees the gun next to her on the ground, sees another body in the corner of the room but she's also aware of other voices that follow her into the room so she falls to her knees beside Jay, sees the entry wound, sees the fear in the eye he can open, hears the way he's trying to breathe and when she presses down on the upper side of his chest, she hears him try to take a shuddering breath and sees the panic.

It's such an unfamiliar sight, it throws her for a second. It's not just panic either, it's fear too, fear that she can feel as much as if it was her who'd been shot, fear that she feels so deeply because Jay's been shot. Fear that she pushes down to try to comfort Jay.

"Jay, stay with me, it's Hailey, you're fine, it's going to be fine."

His good eye follows her voice for a second but flutters shut before there's another voice.

"Where the hell is that ambo?"

Voight.

More panic in Jay's eyes, more gasping as he attempts to breathe and both eyes are closed now.

"No Jay, Jay!" she shouts his name louder and his good eye opens once more and Hailey tries a smile then more soothingly, she continues, "It's okay Jay, it's coming, it'll be here soon, you'll be fine." I need you to be fine goes unsaid.

She repeats soothing words over and over. She wonders how much Jay's aware of and realizes it's as much more for her as it is Jay.

"Hailey, you want me to take over for a minute?" Burgess asks, the tone of her voice like she's talking to a victim.

Hailey doesn't look up, just shakes her head and focuses on Jay, refusing to move until help is here then it comes and she tries not to leave Jay's side, she tries to be the person he can focus on even as they work on him.

Even when the gravity of the situation and his condition becomes clear as if the blood that covers Hailey's hands doesn't make this obvious enough and the controlled actions of the paramedics become more urgent. Even when a mask covers his face and she can see how labored his breathing is.

Hailey keeps urging, imploring, begging, every single variation of a word that means she desperately wants him to listen, she needs him to listen and she needs him to stay with her, them, she means them, all of them of course.

And there's no way this ends with Jay's death. It can't.

They leave the building and she and the paramedic are taking turns to apply pressure where the bullet had entered his body. They're already on the second or third gauze pad that's been coated with Jay's blood. Hailey tries not to look at how much blood there is, she tries not to look at his head injuries or the blood that coats the top half of his sweater.

The daylight makes it impossible not to take it in though and she feels sick, it occurs to her that she's felt like this since they realized Jay was gone. She'd just hoped that it would be different once they found him.

They put him into the ambulance and she shouts that she's going with him, her tone brokering no argument and jumps onto the back of the bus taking over from the paramedic again for a moment, her hand pressing down while the paramedic does what she needs to do.

Hailey's so caught up with it all that she doesn't notice the door shut, she's only vaguely aware of the ambulance starting to move.

The paramedic, she thinks she said her name's Claudia, works around her. Calling out to her partner. Hailey hears 'artery, losing blood too fast, vitals are dropping further'. Hailey doesn't think it's her imagination that the ambulance gains speed.

She glances at the machine that Jay's now hooked up to. The noise to her almost reassuring, anything other than the tone that's so final is reassuring though Hailey realizes.

Jay's eye stays closed more than it opens now. He doesn't respond at all to her voice mostly and when Claudia takes over the pressure on the wound with another fresh gauze pad and Hailey shifts slightly reaching for his hand instead, hoping that when she squeezes it he'll squeeze back but he doesn't.

"Come on Jay, please?"

Nothing. Hailey looks at Claudia but Claudia's too focused on treating Jay to give her reassurance.

"Halstead," Hailey barks it out, tries to sound firm but her voice trembles, "Jay, Jay Halstead, come on."

Still nothing. Her hopes feel like a distant memory, all she feels now is the reality that is all her fears wrapped up in Jay's too still, too quiet, too injured body.

The ambulance slows to a stop and the doors open and Hailey jumps down, running alongside Jay as he's wheeled into Med, calling his name, reminding him she's here even amid the noise, the controlled chaos, even amid the talking around them, still trying to be some comfort to him because if he wakes now, if he wakes here and he thinks he's alone?

Hailey doesn't want that for him not when she can be here for him, now that she can be here for him.

Everyone's talking around her, shouting, she hears Georgia updating them on Jay's condition, hears one of the doctors tell them to move him into Baghdad and no one seems panicked, it's all so controlled, it's all so reassuring. Except Jay's on that gurney.

"Hailey?"

It's a superhuman effort or it feels like it is to look in the direction of the voice until she matches the face to the voice.

"Will," she manages then she tries to find words, some words of reassurance for Will. Did they even tell Will? Someone must've surely warned him, right? Will who only has Jay left as his close family, she can find words enough to comfort him surely, can't she?

When she opens her mouth nothing comes out though and instead Will takes a step nearer and his hand touches her shoulder.

"He's going to be okay, he'll be okay Hailey."

Hailey wants to ask him if that's the voice he uses for his patient's families when he knows they won't be okay, wants to ask him if he's saying that to convince himself as much as he tries to convince Hailey.

Hailey doesn't ask him that though, instead, she nods, "Yeah, I know, he will be," she agrees even though she doesn't meet his eyes and even when she does look at them, she realizes he looks like he's on the verge of tears and perhaps that's all the answers to the questions she's too afraid to ask and now wishes she hadn't thought of them.

She hears him say, "Sharon," and within a moment or two she feels a hand around her shoulders and Sharon Goodwin is leading her away.

Hailey looks behind her, tries to protest but then she sees Dr. Marcel appear and she sees him in conversation with Will and perhaps it's not her place to be there now.

All Hailey is is Jay's partner, right? That's what all these feelings are, right? This is just how anyone would feel for their partner and also someone as good as Jay doesn't deserve this even though Hailey's job is a litany of 'he/she/they didn't deserve this' stories, Jay's still different and that's all this is.

Sharon opens a door to the restroom and gently urges Hailey forward

"This one's just for staff so we shouldn't get interrupted," Sharon explains and then turns on a tap, "You should wash off that blood."

Hailey looks down and her hands start to tremble, she thinks for a moment she'll be sick but instead, she continues to stare down at the blood, his blood.

"It's okay Hailey, I can help," Sharon says it so kindly that it almost undoes Hailey, it's like years when she was a kid and she'd fight with her brothers and sometimes it'd go too far and her mom would take her into the bathroom and bathe the cuts, her touch soft, nurturing. Sharon's touch is gentle like her mom's once was as she holds Hailey's hands under the tap and then moves them underneath the soap dispenser and back under the water.

The water runs red into the basin as it mixes with Jay's blood till it's clear again.

Sharon talks Hailey through it all and Hailey wordlessly follows everything she says, wiping her hands on a paper towel before she places it into the trash can.

"Jay hates hospitals, I should be with him, I don't want him to wake up alone," her voice is small but there's more than a trace of pleading as she says it.

"They'll be taking him to surgery Hailey," that tone again. Like Kim's before it's the tone Hailey's used a hundred and one times before then she continues "You can wait and we'll tell you the moment we have news."

Hailey's aware, so aware that Sharon doesn't assure her that Jay's going to be fine, still she nods and follows Sharon to the waiting area, sitting down and shaking her head when shes offered a drink and then she's left alone.

Alone with her thoughts, the hope she tries to revive even though she's as aware as it's possible to be, as weary of the world as she can ever be that life simply isn't fair sometimes, scarred by life and so many instances and examples of life never working out how she'd thought it would.

She stares down at her hands again and then shuts her eyes but all she can see, all she feels is the fear and the blood, all she hears is the bang and Jay's labored breathing.

Tears threaten and absent-mindedly she swipes at them but then she hears voices, feels herself stand up though her legs don't feel like they can hold her upright and there's a barrage of questions, most of which she can't answer.

Someone, Adam she thinks, pulls her in and she wants so badly to give in to the comfort, accept it but instead, she pulls away and mumbles an apology before she sits down once more, alternately looking at her hands and through the open doors.

Then a coffee cup is placed in her hand, she hears "Here you go," and looks up to see Rojas, the warmth against her fingers is welcome though she's uncertain that she can stomach anything right now much less hold the cup for longer than a second, her hands still trembling so she places the coffee cup on the floor in front of her, feels Vanessa's hand across her back for a moment.

And then Will appears and she thinks of the weight on him just for a moment as she stands then all she thinks of is Jay once more because nothing and no one else matters more than him, she's vaguely aware of everyone else flanking her and too aware that Will's face isn't lit up with relief, too aware of the barely concealed fear that's written all over him.

Hailey knows Jay's still alive, she does. She feels it but also she feels the fear mocking her, mocking her for hoping, mocking her for caring enough that the next few seconds matter more to her than anything she can recall for the longest time and that's when Will says, "Hey everybody," and she hopes fear will lose for once.

For her.

Except no, not for her, not for anyone, only Jay.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 - all Will's POV and the missing bits from 7x10 for him - hope you like it x

Will would like to say that when he woke up that day, he had a feeling, an intuition that something wasn't right or that not hearing from Jay could've led to him being curious enough, hell, concerned enough to have made inquiries.

Prepared him at least a little for what was to follow.

There's a reason Jay's the detective in the family. Always with that intuition, that gut instinct.

Sure, WIll has it but it's different, two sides of the same coin.

Traits they both started to develop as kids. Jay the one who could step into their home after school or hear the door open bringing their father home and know.

Know they should disappear, know that they should brace themselves for the mood Jay sensed their father was in.

Know that that was the best option but also know that he couldn't leave their mom high and dry, alone.

Will would be the one for afterward. The first one to see the telltale signs of a carefully concealed wince as their mom would try and make their food, leaning against the counter a little more heavily than normal.

It was only later that Will realized how wrong it is that children assigned themselves the roles they did, even though it went unsaid. Even though they've never actually discussed it. Likely never will.

It all means Will had no clue, no intuition at all until he feels the vibration of his cell in his pocket, pulls it out and narrows his eyes at the unfamiliar number.

Maybe it's a sales call and he should leave it?

That's the moment there's a feeling in him that means he takes the call, that's when he hears Hank Voight's voice and that's when it's a good job he's leaning against a wall otherwise he doesn't know what would have happened.

There are a million questions running through his head the moment Voight tells him, to the point as always but slightly softer than Will would ever associate with Jay's boss.

It's only after when he's waiting by the doors, when he's shifting his weight from one foot to the other when he's thinking of all the questions that he didn't ask because "I'm sorry to call you out the blue like this Will but Jay's hurt and he's on his way to Med," his kid brother, that he realizes what he'd heard in Voight was fear, was concern, was worry.

It scares Will more than he could ever articulate.

The ambulance arrives after a few minutes, the sirens of the escort and the ambulance itself announcing its imminent arrival many seconds before, and as the doors open, Will watches as the gurney is lowered to the ground, sees Jay, sees Hailey jump from the ambulance and all the while stands stock-still as they rush past him and into emergency behind him.

It's probably only a matter of seconds that he stays rooted to the spot but it feels like an eternity before he shakes himself and almost has to run to catch up.

Jay's taken to Baghdad and Marcel is there, reeling out instructions as Jay lies there, blood on his head, a bullet in his shoulder.

Too still.

His flesh and blood, the_ only_ flesh and blood he has. Will aches to help but really he's thankful he can't, he doesn't think he could hold a cup of water steadily right now much less save his brother.

He notices her just within his eye line and looks to where Hailey's stood, just outside the bay, one hand covering her face, the other hovering in mid-air. Both covered in blood.

Will looks back to Jay, to Marcel and to everyone crowded around his brother, the decision made.

"Hailey?"

She jerks her attention from staring at the activity in the bay to Will and says his name, she opens her mouth a couple of times as if she wants to say something, words fail her though and Will gets it. He's seen it in countless family members and friends.

He takes a step closer to her, reaching his hand out to her shoulder. Full of a million questions in his head except now's not the right time, he doubts Hailey would be able to articulate what he needs to know anyway. He just hopes that he'll still want to know this time tomorrow.

He settles for a reassurance he's not sure he believes as the sound of the machines that Jay's hooked up to compete for attention around them.

"He's going to be okay, he's going to be okay Hailey." In his head, he challenges Jay to not prove him wrong.

Will watches Hailey as words form and then die on her lips once more before she agrees with him though she sounds as convincing as he felt as he said the words and for some reason, it gets to Will, it hits him then. The enormity of all this and he has to blink back tears that sting his eyes.

He brushes at the moisture distractedly before he notices Sharon and he says her name and that's all that's needed for Goodwin to lightly touch his arm and nod before she wraps an arm around Hailey's shoulder and leads her away.

Will turns his attention fully back to Jay, taking a step or two closer till he's in the bay staring and trying to find some way to wake up and find this is all a bad dream, trying not to get in the way.

Then Marcel calls his name and he glances at the other man who talks quickly, calmly and like Will's just some worried relative and not his co-worker, not a doctor who knows enough to realize and understand that this is bad.

"Jay is losing a lot of blood, Will. We've performed a CT, the bullet, it grazed his subscapular artery, we need to repair it so we're taking him to surgery."

Will nods, not taking his eyes from Jay until Marcel calls his name one more time and that's when he tears his attention away.

"Just do whatever you gotta do," then quietly, sounding lost, feeling lost and helpless he adds, "He's all I have."

Will's grateful Marcel doesn't respond though he thinks he sees a brief nod, instead, he turns away, calmly issues instructions and moments later Jay's on his way to surgery, Will following for as long as he can be next to him.

In the lift, he squeezes into a spot next to where Jay lies on the gurney, his hand reaching for Jay's before the lift opens and he lets go.

When the surgery begins, he watches from behind the glass or at least he tries to but then he's pushing open the door and stumbling to a set of chairs in the corridor where he hunches over, his hands raking through his hair sending as many prayers as he can muster even though believing was a thing he long since gave up on.

In these types of circumstances anyway but it's amazing or maybe it's not that dire circumstances will have you changing your mind, making any number of bargains if it means Jay makes it.

Will loses track of time, maybe it's just five minutes, maybe it's five hours when he hears footsteps.

"I'm going back in right now, I just wanted to let you know that we're still working on him, still trying to repair it."

Will nods and watches Marcel's retreating back, letting out a shaky breath before he walks toward the lift to go down to where he knows Jay's team will be waiting.

Giving them the update is hard, not being able to make promises that Jay will be okay makes the reality starker.

He stays with them, accepts their kindness, what in the end are just a bunch of platitudes except he knows they're genuine, their concern palpable but soon he can't be there anymore, he needs to be near Jay again.

He needs to be first to know even if it's bad news. Needs to know if it's just him that's left.

He sits down and this time he stares at the clock on the far wall, willing the doors to open, pushing away thoughts that are too negative, too steeped in every single fear you could imagine.

"Will?"

He looks up, "Hey Nat."

Natalie walks closer to him, "I wasn't sure whether to come but I didn't want you to be waiting alone, any news?" she asks, gesturing towards the doors to the OR.

"Still working on him," he replies as she sits on the chair next to him and they sit in silence for a little while but then it's too quiet, "You know I don't know how any of this happened, first I knew was Voight calling me telling me Jay had been hurt and was on his way in and I thought maybe he'd taken a suspect down too hard or hit his head."

The words trail off and Will shakes his head, running his hands through his hair as he hunches over again before he turns his head and adds, "Thanks for coming but I got this."

She doesn't try to disguise her disappointment at his words but WIll's grateful she masks it quickly, accepts it and settles for a small nod as she stands up, walking away before she stops and looks back.

"I know it's different now between us Will, just don't shut us out, remember you don't have to do this alone."

That's just it Will thinks, he does because if Jay's not around then isn't that what he is?

Just a little over an hour later and Will stands alone in front of Jay's bed, watching his brother, hearing the reassuring sounds of the machines, no alarms like downstairs.

_"He's going to be fine Will, we repaired his artery and also there's no sign of structural damage, he's lucky."_

Will keeps playing Marcel's words over and over in his head. Jay _is_ lucky, sure but true luck would've been not being shot, not living through whatever the hell happened to him.

He walks round to the side of the bed and pulls the chair over, sits down and stares at Jay. Stares at the way his chest rises up and down, stares at the bruising scattered across his face.

He reaches his hand out to Jay's hand, resting it on top, his thumb rubbing gently.

"The only time I could get away with this is when you're unconscious," he chokes out a laugh then sobers instantly, "Remember at mom's funeral and I tried to reach for you when I could see you were barely hanging on and you just pushed me away, you were angry as hell, thought you were gonna knock me out, probably should've."

He pulls his hand away, purses his lips together and sighs heavily.

"Me and you are going to have a serious conversation when you're awake. I'm the oldest and you're going to hear me out because I can't lose you and I particularly can't lose you when I didn't even know that you were in a position where that could happen in the first place."

Will shakes his head, chewing at his bottom lip in an attempt to try and quell the emotion, stop the tears.

"Just wake up Jay, please?" He stares at Jay's face, willing an eye to crack open, willing him to be annoyed, to be angry, to be evasive, _anything_, predictably he's stubborn and doesn't open his eyes.

"Hey, you remember when you pushed that kid who'd been bullying the scrawny new kid and he pushed you back and you were knocked spark out and you ended up in the hospital and we were scared that dad would be mad at us and you were crying so I hugged you and I promised you I'd look after you always."

_And then I didn't, then I walked away._ He doesn't say that aloud. Instead, he pushes the chair back and stands up, paces up and down in the small space next to Jay's bed.

"Quit pacing, my headache is growing another headache."

Will almost doesn't hear him, thinks maybe he imagined it but he turns his attention back to the bed and Jay's staring at him, a grimace on his face that turns a little into a half smile as Will crosses the short distance back to the side of the bed murmuring a soft "Hey," to his injured brother as he does.

"Is Angela okay? And you, you look beat Will" Jay asks, his expression changing to one of concern.

"Angela? Who's Angela?" Will figures it must be the lady who has a cop outside her room and he's so aware that he knows half the story but he's also so aware that this is so typically Jay to worry about everyone else the moment he wakes so he shakes his head "And me? I look beat? Jesus Jay, screw anyone else, how are _you_ feeling?"

Jay's face darkens for a moment then instantly it changes and he gives Will this look that's so much like teenage Jay being snarky as hell, being so done with how lame his brother that the tears that start to fall down Will's face a little free-er are maybe not from fear so much now then Jay hitches a breath and his face pales as his features screw up with pain so Will mutters something about increasing the medication but just as he's about to do it, one of the doctors walks in so Will takes a step back and away from the bed, watching as they take care of Jay, as they check up on him.

"I'm okay, man, go and get some rest, call Voight, Hailey, tell them that I'm okay and then we can talk about when I can get the hell outta here."

Will raises a skeptical eyebrow at that and then rolls his eyes at Jay, has to stop himself from saying 'you nearly weren't' and 'don't even try it asshole', has to stop the tiredness and the relief he's feeling that Jay despite looking like crap he's still so typically Jay. turning into anger and frustration.

There's time for all that, hopefully, none of it to be shown in front of Jay at least until it's simmered because if it doesn't if he doesn't calm then he knows how it goes, how it'll drive them apart, how it'll mean Jay won't reach out.

So he acquiesces and manages a smile and a nod and manages to leave the room even though it's the last thing he wants to do right now.

It's just Hailey in the waiting area.

The sigh of relief, the watery smile as Will tells her Jay's awake almost takes WIll under again.

He rights himself as quickly as Hailey does though and he thinks she's changed her clothes, the bag at her feet confirming it and he takes it from her and they walk together to the break room where he places it in the corner telling one of the nurses that's what he's done as they leave.

They walk together to the lift in silence and Will tries to clear his mind, tries not to ask, he tries but he can't hold it down and as they enter the lift and he presses the button to take them to Jay, he can't stop the emotion. the questions, he'd tried to keep at bay from spilling over.

"What happened to him? Why did I find out only when he was on his way here? I'm his next of kin, I'm his _only _next of kin, I had a right to know, he nearly died," he shakes his head and like he's only just figuring it out for the first time he repeats it, his voice breaking, "he nearly died Hailey."

Hailey exhales, reaches out a tentative hand to him but he steps away and she nods as though she expected it.

The lift announces they're on the floor where Jay is and they step out together but neither moves.

"We had to keep it inhouse but you're right, we should've told you sooner, we were just so focused on finding him and when we did, he was beaten up but that was it and then." Hailey looks away, to the ground.

"This Angela, was it her, who shot him I mean?"

Hailey's look of surprise followed by her silence tells Will all he needs to know and he looks away then back to Hailey feeling all the anger seep away.

Maybe it'll come back, he banks on it coming back or maybe it'll be more frustration and fear because Will knows Jay will never change and this quiet certainty that this won't be the last time his head is filled with a thousand and one emotions, every single one of them valid feels overwhelming.

"The first question he asked was if she was okay."

Will thinks Hailey's expression, the flicker of a smile, the fondness, the total lack of surprise that of course, Jay would be more worried about someone else, even if that someone else was why he's lying in a hospital bed after life-saving surgery is a mirror image of how he feels, his own expression right now.

"Jay Halstead, right?"

He thinks their smiles are the first true smiles they've exchanged since Jay came in, the first one that didn't feel like it could easily change to a frown or turn so quickly into tears.

"Okay, let's let you go see him, right?"

He watches them for a short time, Jay's bed has been raised now and he's sitting up, there's an easy rapport between them borne of years of being partners and Will feels calmer now.

He feels like he can walk away and not worry that he'll get a call to say something different. Not today anyway.

This wasn't the final memory today, the last memory which would have left every other memory scattered and forgotten, this wasn't the end of everything or the end of hope that one day they'll talk about everything, that one day they'll be able to put everything behind them and only look forward.

And at least now the tears which he doesn't attempt to stop at all now are good tears, tired tears, relieved tears.

Grateful tears.


End file.
